The Ruler of the Bands
by Amashelle
Summary: Sam's a little possesive, Merry and Pippin want Frodo dead, Gandalf's got neon hair... just an attempt at humor, I know I need improovement, so please Read and Review. Now with an all-new prologue, much better than before. I plan to do the entire trilogy.
1. Chapter One The Prologue

Disclaimer ~ I don't own the characters, plot or setting, which were created by J.R.R. Tolkien. The words, however, are mine.  
  
Galadriel was sitting happily on a chair next to her mirror, telling a small group of younger elves a story. 'The planet has transformed. I sense it in liquid. I sense it in the soil. I inhale it through the air.' The children all gaze up at her in wonder, clearly not understanding a word of what she is saying.  
  
Suddenly, from the mirror comes the voice of Smeago, muttering to himself. 'What is thisss? We's do not recodnize thisss...'   
  
Yet another voice cut in, rather rudely, the children thought. 'The nasty sshe-elves has changed the words! We's do not like thiss. No's, we's knowss this is not how's its to go.'  
  
'Shut up you nasty creature- both you you. I'm trying to tell a story!' Galadriel hissed.  
  
For a while, this is enough to keep silence in the clearing, but just when the children were wondering if it would be impolite to fall asleap, there was another interruption.  
  
'...It dawned with the shaping of the Majestic Bands of Influence. Three were gifted to the elves. Everlasting, comeliest, wisest, most beautiful, most powerful, most respected-  
  
'Most arrogant...'  
  
Galadriel shot an evil glare towards the mirror, but he couldn't see her anyway, so it was rather pointless.   
  
'...Seven, to the dwarf lords, 'great' tunnelers and artisans of the halls of the stony-mounds. And nine. Nine bands were granted to the species of men, who over all else yearn for sovereignty. For within these rings was the might and conviction to regulate each kind.'  
  
One of the children, apparently the only one paying attention by now, cut in. 'And the dwarfs needed seven rings, where the elves only needed three, right?'  
  
'Yes,' Galadriel smiled. 'That is because the dwarfs are fowl, discusting creatures that don't even have the sence to use conditioner.'  
  
'Gets ons with itss.' The mirror muttered.  
  
'...But they were all of them misled.'  
  
'Um, with all due respect, M'lady, weren't you one of them?'  
  
'Shh, I wasn't. I knew from the beginning that Sauron was evil.  
  
' Then's 'a whys you takes your preassiousss? 's 'not as goods as ours, is it preciousss?' the mirror cut in again.  
  
Galadriel chooses to ignore this. '...For another ring was produced. Inherent in the flames of Mt. Destruction...'  
  
'Uh, I thought it was Mt. Doom...' the child said.  
  
This, too, is ignored.  
  
Without warning, the mirror decided to say something else. 'We's no likes the elveses.'  
  
'Well, the elves don't like you either!' Galadriel snapped, and, for a moment, the children thought she was going to attack her own mirror. Instead she simply said, 'Note to self; forbid Thranduil from letting the beast climb trees.'  
  
She paused to regain the mood of her story. 'The ring transferred to the monster, Gollum, who carried it far inside the channels of the Smoggy Ridges, where it devoured him. For 500 years it exacerbated his intellect (not that there was any to begin with). Gloom crawled back into the wildernesses of the earth. Hearsay blossomed of a silhouette in the east, murmurs of an unidentified dread...  
  
' ...It forsook Gollum.  
  
Cries of dispair can be heard comming from the mirror. By now, several of the kids are crowded around it, staring down at the creature they assumed to be Gollum. 'Noooo! My Preciousss! Oh, whys bother?'  
  
'...But something happened then the ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable.'  
  
Another creature crawled into the view of the children. 'What's this? A ring?'  
  
'...Bilbo Baggins of the Shire. For the time would soon come when Hobbits would shape the fortunes of all...'  
  
The second creature now looks extreamly nervous, but chooses not to say anything. Instead, he simply disappears as the images in the fountain are replaced with the simple reflections of the children.  
  
'Hey!' Galadriel suddenly cried. 'What are you doing? Get away from my mirror!' 


	2. Chapter Two The Book

Frodo sat peacefully under a tree, attempting to read a large book he held in his hands. It would have been much easier if he didn't loose his place every time someone so much as laughed off in the distance. Even the wind seemed to sound like Bilbo moving, soft as an elf, through the grass.  
  
Ever since he had come to live with his uncle, he had been on edge. Three years is a long time to spend jumping at every noise. And, really, it didn't help that his relative repeatedly jumped out at him, yelling 'You're looking for it! I know you want to take it from me!' Frodo shuttered, then groaned in frustration as he lost his place again.  
  
The sound of humming reached the young hobbit's years and he jumped up, barely noticing as the book fell onto the grass. Excitedly, he ran towards the sound, leaving the book laying under the tree to be picked up by anyone who happened to walk by.  
  
He stopped as he reached the main road, for the person that was slowly making his way into the shire looked nothing like the man he had expected. 'Gandalf?' he asked, confused. He'd been about to inform the person that he was late, but... well, for starters his hair was...  
  
The stranger looked up, his eyes meeting those of the hobbit. Yes, the eyes were unmistakably those of the wizard. Frodo looked away as the right pupil drifted into the left corner, then to the right, then did a full circle. 'Oh, Gandalf, can't you get that looked at?' The hobbit asked.  
  
'Get what looked at? I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.' he then proceeds to mutter to himself. 'Here I thought the green hair would draw attention away from that...'  
  
'Er, right. It's erm... wonderful to see you!' Frodo stuttered, then hoped into the cart. 'I assume you're here for my birthday?'  
  
'Your birthday? I thought it was Bilbo's?'  
  
'Well, yes, it is, but we have the same bithdate.' Frodo sighed, feeling rather neglected.   
  
A group of children began to run after them, shouting 'Firework!' At the sound of their voices, Frodo dove into the bottom of the cart and shook for a few moments, then seemed to realize what they were calling for, relaxed and sat up. All this while, Gandalf was muttering about how 'if they wanted fireworks, they were going to half to learn his name was Gandalf, not 'Firework.'  
  
With the lack of any explosions, the children continued to follow the cart down the road, their number slowly growing, all shouting 'Firework! Firework!'  
  
'Oh, bugger it!' Gandalf said, then stopped the cart, waited 'til the little brats caught up with him and set off a small shower of sparks into their faces. Laughing hysterically, he started moving again.  
  
'How is the old rasscle, anyway?' Gandalf asked, as though nothing had interrupted their conversation.  
  
'You mean Bilbo?' Frodo shuttered at the sound of his uncle's name.  
  
'No, I'm referring to the Gaffer that tends your garden.'  
  
'Oh, he's alright I guess. I honestly don't know. I don't really talk to him, but he's been going regularly down to the pub, so I would assume he's alright.'  
  
Gandalf rolled his eyes, 'Really Frodo, you should figure out how to pick up on sarcasm. Of course I was referring to your uncle!'  
  
Frodo paused and thought about this, then laughs. 'I get it!' Gandalf narrowed his eyes, but said nothing, patiently waiting for an answer. When none was forthcoming, he prompted the hobbit. 'Oh, so you really wanted an answer, too? Right. Er, he's been um... scary.' Frodo said, then thought some more.  
  
'Scary? How so?'  
  
'Well, he's just... scary. I'm also willing to bet all of his stupid maps that he's been planning something.'  
  
'You mean those maps that you tried to burn last year?'   
  
'Er... burn? What do you mean, burn? I never tried to do that!' His voice is full of guilt. Gandalf could only nod. Desperately searching for a way to leave Gandalf's side before they reached bag-end, his thoughts fell on the book he had left laying in the mud. 'Oh! I have left my book elsewhere, I must go and find it. Gandalf, please stop the cart.'  
  
The wizard kept going. 'I said, would you please stop the cart?' Getting impatient, Frodo reached up and lifted the man's hat off of his head, allowing the full extent of the green colouring to show.   
  
'Ahhh! My hat, you fool of a Baggins! Give me back my hat!' Desperately, he tried to reach over Frodo and grab at his head-covering. The movement, however, upset the cart and sent it falling over sideways, both occupants screaming in fear and it then proceeded to tumble down the hill, smashing to splinters at the bottom. Miraculously, the horse that had pulled it was still standing patiently on the road.  
  
Frodo took one look at the mess, then at Gandalf's purple face (which reminded Frodo of a certain stuffed animal he had owned as a child, the lilac cheeks surrounded by brilliant green hair) stood, and ran away, fearing for his life.  
  
Gandalf glared after the hobbit, wishing with all his heart that he had managed to keep a hold on his staff. However, he needed to get the mess of fireworks cleaned up before certain annoying hobbits came along and stole them all out from under his nose.  
  
Frodo owed him a new cart, and he was going to make sure he got it...  
  
At last, he had stowed all his belongings in a nearby bush and was walking up the road towards Bagend, where Bilbo still resided. 


	3. Chapter Three The House

Disclaimer ~ I don't own the character names, the plot or the setting, but the words are all mine.  
  
Gandalf knocked firmly on Bilbo's door with the end of his staff, his back far too sore from gathering up the fireworks to bother with bending down the nessessary distance to bang on the wood with his hand.  
  
Bilbo's voice issued from within. 'I'm not at home! Ha ha ha! Nope, nobody's here so you might as well go away!'  
  
'Well, it's certainly obvious that nobody's living THERE.' Gandalf muttered to himself, rolling his eyes. 'Open the door Bilbo, or I shall knock it out of its frame!'  
  
The door opened to reveal a terrified 'young' hobbit. Bilbo's eyes widened in fear at the sight of the wizard. 'Please don't hurt me Thorin Oakenshield! I did not mean to speak ill of the dead!'  
  
'Now now, Bilbo, what are you on about?' Gandalf demanded.  
  
'I er... Gandalf? Oh, um. Nothing. Nothing at all, come in, yes. Do come in.'  
  
'I'm afraid I can't, you see I had a nasty incident a few moments ago and can no longer bend my spine to make myself short enough to enter this dratted thing you call a house.'  
  
'Oh. Alright, goodby then. I will see you at the party.'  
  
'Well, there were a few things I wanted to discuss with you,' Gandalf began, but the door had already closed in his face. Sighing, he banged his staff against it once more. 'Bilbo! It is Thorin, come to take my revenge!'  
  
Screaming could be heard from behind the door. 'No, I didn't mean to! I swear! I ment it kindly! You were never a fat old coward that made others do all your dirty work! And I swear, that coment about you being an elf, it was a compliment! Don't hurt me!'  
  
Gandalf sighed again. 'Just get your fat arse out here, this instant, and you will not be harmed.'  
  
The door opened. 'Gandalf? I thought you'd left.'  
  
'As I was saying before you so rudely closed the door in my face, there are some things I would like to discuss with you.'  
  
'Oh, very well. Come on, we'll sit on my house to do it, just don't damage the grass.'  
  
'Riiighhhtttt...Hold on, I wouldn't sit on your roof if you paid me! It's a wreck! It'll colaps under me!'  
  
'Oh very well, we'll sit over there on that hill. One moment.' Bilbo disapeared into his house and emerged with a large plate of food, which he took up to the hill with him. 'There. What did you want to say?'  
  
'Well, for starters, how are you?'  
  
'Fine, I've never been better. Ahh! It's Kili and Fili!' Bilbo jumped, sending food flying all over his rounded roof. 'Oh, no. It was just Samwise Gamgee and Rosie Cotton. That girl should watch out, he'll only break her heart.'  
  
Gandalf was finding it quite strange that Bilbo seemed to keep seeing members of the team that had travelled to the lonely mountain with him, but dismissed it. The sun was beating down on them, and Gandalf just had to take off his hat, which it should be noted was a grey knit thing with a pom-pom on top, often refered to as a touque.  
  
'Ahhhh! Gandalf, your hair!'  
  
'Do you like it?'  
  
'Well, no... and yes.' His eyes got a little freaky, like he was possessed or something. Gandalf shuttered. 'You know,' Bilbo continued, now back to normal. 'I've decided to leave the shire.'  
  
'So you are going to leave?'  
  
'Isn't that what I just said, Dwalin?'  
  
'Gandalf.'  
  
'Right, whatever. Anyway, I simply have to get away. Have you ever had that need to just get up and leave?'  
  
'Yes, whenever that horrible Sam is about.'  
  
'Oh, everyone wants to get away from him. Just so you're warned, he's gotten worse.'  
  
'Worse? How could he be worse?!'  
  
'He just is.'  
  
'Oh my.' Gandalf put asside a moment of silence to imagine this, then went on. 'You were saying about how you need to leave?'  
  
'We've finished with that. Now, come on or I'll be late for my party!'  
  
'Frodo thinks your plotting.'  
  
'Of course he does, he always thinks I'm plotting. Becoming quite paranoid that one.'  
  
'Right, then shall we go?'  
  
'I've already said that we should, I wish you would quite repeating my words.'   
  
'Dori-'  
  
'Gandalf.'  
  
'Right, Ori, my friend,' Gandalf ignored the slip. 'This will be a knight to remember.'  
  
'You mean night.'  
  
'No, Knight.' And he pointed down to where the guests were gathering and a tall figure dressed in shiny armour was serving drinks. Gandalf stared blankly for a moment, then turned his attention to the quest to locate the bush under which he'd hidden his fireworks.  
  
People were having so much fun pigging out on the numerous dishes that very few people, asside from Frodo, noticed when Bilbo delivered a very confusing speech and disapeared. Frodo, on the other hand, jumped for joy, hoping with all his heart that he'd never see the crazy lunatic again.  
  
Merry and Pippin started setting off a bunch of fireworks they had found lying out in the middle of nowhere.   
  
Gandalf decided he'd rather go have a smoke, and somehow managed to get inside Bilbo's house without breaking his back. Moments later, the owner of the hole appeared in the middle of the front hall.  
  
'Ahhh!' Gandalf said as Bilbo imeadeatly called out 'BOO!' then started laughing the the terrified wizard's face. 'I suppose that was for when I claimed to be Thorin?' Gandalf asked.  
  
'Thorin? Where! Noooo!' Started to scream and run around in circles, looking under tables and in cupboards that the deceaced dwarf wouldn't have fit in anyway.  
  
'BILBO BAGGINS!'  
  
'Yes?' Bilbo asked sheepishly.  
  
'Calm yourself and get your rear out that door so I can sit here in peace!'  
  
'Just let me put this ring in an envelope for Frodo.'  
  
'NO, get going!'  
  
'Fine, have it your way, but I've told him it's his so if he can't find it, he'll know who to set Sam on.' The Hobbit dropped the ring on the floor and stomped off angrily.  
  
Drat! thought Gandalf. I should have let him put it in the dratted envelope, I can't reach it all the way down there! Hmm. I should go investigate the origins of this ring. Perhaps it might explain Bilbo's odd behavior. What am I saying! Bilbo's always been a little off, no investigation is needed.  
  
Slowly, a hobbit poked its head in the door. 'Psst! Gandalf!' Frodo wispered. 'Is he gone?'  
  
'Yes, Frodo, it's safe.'  
  
'Thank Eru, if he jumped out at me one more time...' Bilbo suddenly appears again in the room, again shouting 'BOO!' Frodo screamed.  
  
'What, you didn't think I'd leave without saying goodby to you, did you Frodo my boy?'  
  
'I could only hope.' Frodo muttered, clutching his heart.  
  
'Well, goodby then, and take good care of my Presious, got it?' Frodo nodded, Gandalf looked thoughtful for a moment, then dismissed the term. Bilbo had always thought very hightly of this wreck he called a house.  
  
Bilbo left. 'I'm afraid I must leave you now Frodo.' Gandalf said.  
  
''Bout time! I mean, but you just got here.'  
  
'Yes, but a wizards work is never done.'  
  
'Alright, bye.' Picks up ring. 'Now, as for you...' 


	4. Chapter Four The Quest

Disclaimer ~ This is the last one for this story I'm going to write, and it applies to all following chapters. I don't own Lord of the Rings, nor do I own any other memerobeilia that I might mention in later updates. The words, however, are mine.  
  
The years passed by and Frodo grew older. And stranger. Day by day he retreated farther into his house and refused to let anyone safe for Sam and the Gaffer come within twenty meters of him. He was also convinced his cousins, Merriadoc Brandybuck and Perrigrin Took, were trying to kill him. He was right, but nobody ever told him that.  
  
One night, after telling Sam of his latest neer-death experience (Pippin had blown a firework up in his face), Frodo entered Bagend to find that someone sitting in the window. 'Is it secret?' came a quiet voice from the opening.   
  
'Is what secret?' Frodo asked.  
  
'Is it safe?' the voice asked.  
  
Frodo began to loose his temper. 'IS WHAT SAFE!!??' He demanded.   
  
The figure stood, the moonlight suddenly catching the glint of his brilliant orange hair, covered as it was by a gray touque. 'The Ring you idiot!'  
  
'Gandalf?'  
  
'No, I'm Bilbo, I've just grown a lot.'  
  
'Bilbo! Ahhhhh! Get away you evil demon! You said you'd leave me alone!'  
  
'Shut up, or the whole neibourhood will know I'm here! And, really, learn sarcasm! Of course I'm Gandalf. Do you really think that Bilbo would have orange hair?'  
  
'I guess not. What's with that anyway?'  
  
Gandalf didn't answer, but his right eye began to go crazy as it's pupil began moving in around in circles. Frodo cringed. 'Where is the ring?' Gandalf asked after a moment.  
  
'What ring?'  
  
'The one Bilbo left you!'  
  
'Oh, right over here.' Frodo led the wizard to the kitchen where he took out six large napkin holders. 'Arn't they nice?' He smiled fondly. 'I had the others made to match it exactly, they were so shiny and they make all my dinnerguests jealous.'  
  
Gandalf slapped the poor hobbit upside the head. 'You FOOL!! I told you to keep it out of sight!'  
  
'No you didn't!' Frodo yelled, tears briming in his eyes. 'You just said that 'a wizards work is never done' and then you left me with all these scary people who are dead-set on killing me!'  
  
'Oh. Well, I meant to tell you, and therefor you should have done so anyway. Now, it seems we will have to figure out which of these is the real ring.' Gandalf sighed. 'Come on, into the fire they must go.'  
  
'What? No! I won't have it!' Gandalf glared. 'Oh, very well. You can have these ones.' He handed the wizard five of the six napkin holders.  
  
'Frrrooodo,' he held out his had for the last one.  
  
'Yes? I thought you wanted to burn my lovely napkin holders? Er, right. Um, do we have to burn this one? Only, it's my favorite and...'  
  
'If they're identical, how can you have a favorite?'  
  
'Well, this one's the original! I can tell.' The halfling grinned, then burst out into tears as Gandalf snatched the sixth band from his hands, then tossed it into the fire (that had not even been alight two moments ago, Frodo did, afterall, only just get home.)  
  
'Ahhh! Gandalf!' Frodo ran towards the hearth and very stupidly reached into the flames to grab the thing from the clutches of doom he was so certain his ring was caught in. 'Ahhh! My hand! IT'S ON FIRE!!!'   
  
'Really? I hadn't noticed.'   
  
'HOW CAN YOU NOT NOTICE!! I'M GOING TO DIE! MERRY, PIPPIN, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!'  
  
'Right,' Gandalf said, still staring into the now empy fire. Suddenly, he seemed to remember what it was he was supposed to be doing and casually put out the fire that had now engulfed Frodo's arm. 'Look at the ring, do you see anything?'  
  
'Well duh! It's only invisible when it's on someone's finger!'  
  
'Right.' Gandalf said again. 'I mean, do you see any writing?'   
  
'Ermm, writing? Like the stuff that covered those stupid maps I "didn't" try to burn?'  
  
The wizard stared for a long moment, well, stared as well as one can when one of your eyes is doing somersaults. He then poped back into his mind again and said 'Er, yes. Something like that.'  
  
'Oh, no.' Gandalf sighed in relief. 'But there are pretty pictures! I see a bunny and a chipmunk and a birdie and-'  
  
'Enough! I have heard enough. It is has I feared. The ring you hold now is the one ring, forged by the dark lord Sauron....' His voice trailed off and his face went blank.  
  
'Gandalf?' Frodo reached out tentatively and poked him.  
  
'Ahh! Oh, Frodo, so nice to see you. Where were we?'  
  
'Are you alright Gandalf?'  
  
'Of course I am, why do you ask?'  
  
'You keep blanking out.'  
  
'Oh.' There was a pause. 'Well see, I got hit in the head a few times not long ago and now I have a tendancy to do so.'  
  
'Oh, okay.'  
  
'Anyway. You must take the ring away from the shire. It is not safe here anymore. The Dark Lord is awakening, he is calling to the precious- I mean, the one ring.'  
  
'But why is it so evil?'  
  
'I cannot say it, it is far to horrible for words.'  
  
'Right. Okay.'  
  
There was a moaning from beneath the window and Gandalf went over to it, promptly pulling Samwise Gamgee from a bush. 'AHhhh! It's you!'  
  
The hobbit waved blearily at him. 'Hello. Oh, hello mister Frodo! So nice to see you again. I was just passed out in your garden, I hope you don't mind. Oh, hello Gandalf, didn't see you there.' The wizard was still holding him by the colar of his shirt.  
  
'Frodo, meet your travelling companion.'  
  
'Sam? You're sending SAM with me? Oh dear Eru, whatever I did to wrong you, forgive me!'  
  
'Would you rather I sent Merry or Pippin?' Gandalf asked him.  
  
'Er, hello Sam, we're going on a quest!'  
  
Gandalf smiled. 'Right, off you go. I have things to do. I must see the WAPLOW.'  
  
Sam and Frodo looked at each other. 'Waplow? Who's he?' They asked together.  
  
'Not Waplow, WAPLOW! Wise and powerful leader of the Wizards.' He didn't mention that WAPLOW also stood for 'Worst ass* possible left on the world, which was also quite true. 'Now, go.'  
  
'Alright, come on Mr. Frodo. Wait, where are we going?'  
  
'Er... go to Bree. Yes, that'll do. I'll er... meet you there. Yes, goodbye.'  
  
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~  
  
*It should be noted here that I was using the word 'ass' in the context of crulety, not as a reference to certain body parts that, quite frankly, I'd rather NOT check out on Saruman's body, though it is probably true either way.  
  
Now, since I wasn't sure if I would GET any reviewers, I'd like to thank those that even READ it. I know there are many more parodies out there, most of which are better than mine, so I feel a special need to thank those that took the time to review what I've writen.   
  
Khaeriel ~ Yes, I agree, the first chapter was the best of them thus far, I think I tried too hard with the second, and the proloque was just stupid, but thank you for reading them anyway.  
  
Bookworm2000 ~ Thank you, as you can see, I tried writing in raidio-style, but it just wasn't working for me. I need to be able to say a lot more than radio-style permits, so I've reverted back to my prefered writing style. I LOVE your writing though, it's wonderfully writen and really quite funny. 


	5. Chapter Five The Gardner

Frodo and Sam had barely taken two steps before Sam stopped. 'This is it.' He said.  
  
'This is what?' Frodo asked, his eyes darting around, searching for signs of life.  
  
'If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been.'  
  
'Uh, Sam? How do you know that?'  
  
'The pub is right there.'  
  
'Right. Come on.'   
  
Sam took another step, then stopped.  
  
'What is it now, Sam?' Frodo asked, eager to get away from the shire and all the crazy imbicils that lived in it.  
  
'If I take one more step...'  
  
Meanwhile, Gandalf was riding to Isenguard. He "somehow" maaged to reach it before the hobbits even took one step out of the shire (jee, how'd that happen? It's not like Sam stopped after EVERY step, now is it?).  
  
By the time the grey (orange?) pilgrim reached Orthanc, his hair had changed colours a total of five times. It was now fuscia.   
  
Saruman greeted him at the foot of the tower, looking quite staggering in his not-so-pure white robes. He also had died his hair a rather violent shade of green. (There was a silent contest between the two to see who could come up with the most outrageous colour.)  
  
'Gandalf, my old friend.' the older wizard said, rather slowly.  
  
'Saruman.'  
  
'Isengard come Grey not Gandalf council For is my rides the to it seeking that you is why have.'  
  
Mithrandir smiled gleefully, and said; 'You mean; Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengaurd, seeking my council. For that is why you have come, is it not?'  
  
'That's what I said, isn't it?'  
  
*****  
  
'If I take one more step...'  
  
'SAM!! SHUT UP AND START WALKING OR WE'LL NEVER GET OUT OF THIS STUPID PLACE YOU ARE SO WORRIED ABOUT LEAVING!'  
  
'It'll be the farthest from home I've ever been.'  
  
Frodo sigh, and decided that his garder was SO not worth the effort. He decided to take off- only to have the nut of a man come running after him. 'Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo!'  
  
'What?'   
  
'I thought I'd lost you!'  
  
'I didn't even leave your sight, dammit!'  
  
'Yes, but...'  
  
'But what?' somehow, Frodo wasn't really sure he wanted to know.  
  
'But you're my master, and I can't leave you. I can never leave anything that belongs to me, you should know that. It belongs to me, it's mine, MY OWN!'  
  
Frodo had been slowly backing away, hoping to escape his crazed servant, when he was knocked over and plowed down by both Merry and Pippin- his crazed cousins. 'Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!' Frodo screamed.   
  
Sam hauled both of the other hobbits off of Frodo. 'Oy, don't you be touching him! That's MY master you're hurting!'  
  
Merry and Pippin glanced at each other, each mouthing the word 'HIS?' before deciding it was best they run before the guy hurt them back.  
  
The gardner chased after them, yelling 'Get back here and appologize to Mr. Frodo!' Meanwhile, the ringbearer decided this might be a good time to sneak off. However, he was prevented from doing so by a rope that had unknowingly been tied around his middle, causing him to be dragged after the tree insane hobbits.  
  
Inevitably, they toppled over a cliff, where Merry managed to stand up, only to 'accidentally' trip and land on Frodo's windpipe. Fortunately for Frodo, Sam was still concious and he hauled Merry off of the chocking youth, then imeadeatly began to beat the crap out of him. In an attempt to stop this, Pippin got himself knocked out... by his own kick.  
  
Frodo had begun to laugh uncontrollably, and he rolled off the road into a little ditch, where he was almost crushed when Sam tossed Pippin's unconcious body into the foliage. Merry and Samwise soon followed, still rolling about in an attempt to knock each other out.  
  
And so it was that not one of them say the 'black' ridder go by.  
  
*****  
  
Thank you again, Bookworm, for your review. It's nice to know SOMEONE is reading it, *s*.   
  
I'd also like to thank Robin Hood: Men in Tights for their portrayal of Nottingham, who was the inspiration for my version of Saruman. 


	6. Chapter Six The Ranger

Miraculously, Merry and Sam finished their little tumble long before either of them was seriously hurt- much to Frodo's disapointment. They then continued on their journey, neerly got eaten by a tree, were saved by an insane man in a yellow coat and green boots- yes, a Yellow coat- were then captured by a demented creature that clothed them all in treasure, were rescued again by the insane man who couldn't make up his mind about what his last name was (Bombadil, or Bombadillo? Hmm, let's try BomBomBiBeDo.), and finally made their way into Bree.  
  
All in all, it was a rather un-eventful trip.  
  
'Mr. Frodo, do you think we can skip Bree? I mean, that Gandalf... I think he's trying to steal you from me.' Sam wispered to his master, who had been trying (and failing) to keep a safe distance away from his travelling companions. 'I know, let's go see the dwarfs!'  
  
Frodo sighed. 'No Sam, much as I'd like to for-go meeting up with Gandalf, I really think we need to rest.' He then muttered, 'Besides, being on the road with you is really starting to creep me out.'  
  
'Oh.' Sam said, simply.   
  
Frodo began to bang maddly on the gate, shouting 'Let me in! They're going to kill me! LET ME IN!!!!!' The gate opened and he toppled inside.  
  
'Quit making such a raket, I'm not deaf, you know!' The gate-keeper shouted at them.  
  
By now, Frodo had scrambled to his feet. 'Close the door, don't let them in! They're all phycoes.' He whispered.  
  
'WHAT?! SPEAK LOUDER, MY BOY.'  
  
Frodo shuddered at the sudden use of his uncle's name for him, then yelled 'CLOSE THE FREAKING DOOR!'  
  
'Why?'  
  
'Just do it!'  
  
'Oh. Um, no. I think I'll let them in out of the rain.'   
  
And so it was that the four hobbits were admitted into the small villiage, where it seemed tradition to welcome new-commers by grinning wildly and showing them how crazy living in Bree makes you. They stopped looking at Frodo once they realized that Sam was intent on clobbering anyone that did, yelling 'THAT'S MY MASTER, MINE, MY OWN!' As he pouded their faced in.  
  
At last, they came to a small inn called "The Prancing Pony", and hurridly entered, despite the horrible smell that radiated from it. Once inside, Frodo went and sat at a table in the very center of the room, hoping that someone would at least try to save him if his cousins tried anything.  
  
Both Merry and Pippin, however, were busy getting drunk. Sam sat next to Frodo, gazing madly around in search of prying eyes. Suddenly, he stood, apparently drawn to something on the far side of the room. 'He's done nothing but stare at you all night. I'm going to teach him to stare at MY master!' And, before Frodo could even think of trying to stop him (and, really, it should be noted that the thought never did cross his mind) he stood and made his way determindly accross the room.   
  
Halfway there, he stoped, and passed out. Breifly, Frodo wondered about this, but then realized what had happened, and went to get a celebratory drink.  
  
Reaching the bar, far to happy about Sam's sudden parting to notice the looks his cousins were shooting at him, he ordered a pint. 'I see your friend has taken an intresst in STRIDER.' The barman comented.  
  
Frodo grinned. 'Yes, lucky for me. Why's he called Strider?'  
  
'Can't you smell him? STRIDER stands for: Smells Truely Ransid, Impure and Diseased. Exiled Ranger.'  
  
'Great, more akronyms.' Frodo muttered.  
  
Before he could say anthing more (and before he'd gotten his ale) Pippin pulled his feet out from under him and he and Merry proceded to drag him through the room.  
  
In a desperate attemt to escape, Frodo poped the ring out of his pocket and slipped it onto his finger. The sudden disapearence of their victum caused the two hobbits to foolishly let go of Frodo's ankles, and the invisible hobbit quickly crawled under a table, his fear making him imune to the horrid stench that now assulted his nose.   
  
Reluctantly, he pulled the ring off of his finger and looked tentatively out at his cousins, who were standing around stupidly, wondering what could have happened to their victum.   
  
The table he was hidding under was occupied, and the stranger kicked Frodo in the ribs, forcing him out into the open. 'You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr... er... What's your name?'  
  
'Frodo Baggins.'  
  
'FOOL! Did Gandalf not tell you not to use that name?'  
  
'No.'  
  
'Oh. Well, he meant to, and you should have therefor figured it out.'  
  
'Why does everybody just assume these things?' Frodo muttered.  
  
The man, who could be no other than STRIDER, hauled him out of the room, much as Merry and Pippin had been trying to do earlier.  
  
Removed from the imeadeat vicinity of the stench that was STRIDER, Sam woke up- just in time to see his master being dragged out of the room. Merry and Pippin had noticed too. 'Oy, Merry, he's steeling our victum!' All three hobbits rushed after the man who had so rudely stolen Frodo away from them.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
Bookworm, yes, I couldn't resist making fun of that stupid line Sam's got, and the mixed up lines just seem to fit.   
  
Oh, and Sam? Don't do anything too terrible to Bookworm2000, she's my only reader!  
  
Sam sighes reluctantly but nods, if only because he knows that I would love to have him tossed off a cliff or something. Merry and Pippin might even realize that their never going to get rid of Frodo with the insane gardner haning around... he he he, *evil grin* 


	7. Chapter Seven The Nazgul

Inside the room, all four of the hobbits were now gagging. STRIDER was looking around at them, clearly confused. 'I don't smell that bad to I?' he asked, sniffing the air. However, years of living with himself had knocked out his scence of smell.  
  
Sam managed to pick up a random object and chuck it at the stranger, missing his target by mere inches.  
  
'Hey! Why'd you do that? Are you trying to kill me?' the man demanded, his voice going unnaturally-high pitched. He pulled something small and red from his pocket and held it up defencively. On closer inspection, it was revealed to be a small plastic cocktail-sword. 'If you come one step close, I will be forced to use this!'  
  
Pippin laughed. 'Like we would want ot come any closer to you, Eru, you stink!'  
  
STRIDER seemed not to have heard. 'See? This sword is stained red with the blood of my enemies. It is a little broken at the tip, see? That's from when my great-great-great-great-great-great-great er... great-great-grate- great grand-father used it to cut the one ring from Sauron's hand... then the guy was blown up- something to do with a sensitive nose, I never really understood it, but this sword is a famous one.' He continued to prattle on as the hobbits set about making themselves nose-plugs.  
  
A sudden hum reached their ears, the beauty of the voice so absolute that it hurt to listen to it. Another quickly followed, this one a little lower in pitch. An alto to the first's soprano.  
  
'What are they?' Frodo asked.  
  
'They were once men, though I don't know the story. I missed that part of history- I believe I was oogleing Arwen at the time... hmm. Yes, that must have been it.'  
  
'I didn't ask what they were, I want to know what they ARE.'  
  
'Right. They're the Nazgul, and for somereason everyone seems to be afraid of them. I've never met one before so, really, I don't know why. Even if I did meet them, they would cower in fear before the mighty Narsil.'  
  
'Uh, riiighttt.' Merry looked doubtful (and, really, who could blame him?)  
  
'Oh. You know, I think there's something I'm supposed to do, but I can't remember wha- oh right. I'm to take you to Rivendell.'  
  
Sam's eyes grew wide. 'Rivendell? NOoooo! I don't want to see those miserable excuses for sentient beings!!!!' Nobody heard him, and the next morning, they set off. Sam was clinging to a horse leash, dragging behind him STRIDER's "pony" (which was really just a stuffed-up, rather fake looking horse-head on a stick).  
  
'Elves are nasty, fowl creatures.' he muttered to the toy horse. 'I'll try to protect you, Billy.'  
  
'Hey, his name is Billrompaddapore.' STRIDER corrected.  
  
'Um, can we call him Bill, for short?'  
  
'Alright.' STRIDER smiled like a little boy and ran on ahead to see what was comming. The four hobbits sighed in relief, free of the smell- if only for a while.  
  
'He's a little insane, isn't he?' Sam asked his master.  
  
Frodo looked at Sam and repressed the urge to say 'It takes one to know one.'  
  
They all walked in silence for a time, and Frodo was grateful to see that his cousin's were, for once, not sending evil looks his way. Instead they had stopped and were setting up a small picknick out of the food they still had. (Sam now carried most of the food and refused to let it go- it was HIS, HIS OWN!!)  
  
STRIDER looked back at them. 'Hey, a picnick? Yay! I love picknicks!' He then turned and started back towards them.  
  
Fearing the horrid smell that threatened to overwhealm them, as well as spoil the food, Merry spoke up. 'On second thought, we shouldn't stop 'til nightfall, should we. I mean, if those weird singing things are still out there...'  
  
Reluctantly, the man nodded and continued to lead the way, his momentary boy-hood joy no longer glowing on his face. Then he looked up at the fluffy white clouds and it returned. 'Look! There's a bunny in the sky!'  
  
Frodo thought of his ring. There was a bunny carving on it... he sighed and glanced around, still warry of his derranged companions.  
  
At last they came to the watch tower of Annie Sole, as STRIDER called it. Frodo had the feeling the man had been daydreaming durring geography as well. Possibly about a girl named Annie.  
  
'I have an idea!' STRIDER declared as they set up camp. 'I'll go hide, and you have to come find me!'  
  
'Okay,' Sam said, eager to get rid of the stench, 'You go hide. We'll be by shortly.'  
  
'Yay!' and the ranger was gone.  
  
As Sam started a fire, the strange sound of singing reached them. It sounded somewhat like a small choir, and the notes were oddly like those of 'Day is Done'. The sun was setting.  
  
The sound was comming closer to Frodo, as were Merry and Pippin. They'd managed to get their hands on a pair of Sam's cooking pots, and he haddn't noticed yet.  
  
Before they could bring the heavy pans down on Frodo's head, Sam came running over. 'HOW DARE YOU STEEL MY POTS!!! THEY ARE MINE, MY OWN!!!!!!!!!!'  
  
'Okay, take the stupid things, we don't want them. We're sorry.' Pippin's terror went unnoticed by Sam, who simply proceeded to knock the youngest hobbit to the ground. Frodo watched as Sam and Merry got into yet another fight. This time, due to the continued possession of the cooking utensil, Merry seemed to be winning.  
  
Just then, nine figures, clothed in robes so blindingly white that it hurt the eyes to so much as know there were there came up onto the watchtower. Merry and Sam seemed not to notice, though Frodo could not say how that was possible, seeing as they were followed by a heavenly song that just radiated from them.  
  
Frodo was reminded of summer birds singing to the dawn, and horrifying little bunnies hopping around in a lovely green field. He also thought of Bilbo, which sent great shivers of fear running through him.  
  
Desperately, he put the ring on his finger. His horrible uncle wouldn't be able to find him now!!  
  
The sight that greeted him was, needless to say, not a pleasant one. Before him were nine figures dressed all in red and green singing in abnormally high-pitched voices 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful'.  
  
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!' Frodo screamed and pulled the ring from his finger, but it was too late, the sound of the Christmas Carol had already penetrated his mind. Even now, he could hear the lines echoing through his mind, and it wasn't even Christmas yet!!!!!  
  
Merry had at last been knocked unconscious, leaving Sam free to launch himself at the Nazgul. 'YOU HURT MR. FRODO!!!!' He shouted, sending them spiralling off the cliff.  
  
STRIDER showed up then, looking rather upset. 'How come you didn't find me?' without warning, he brightened. 'I know! You tried too, but my hiding place was far too good for you to locate, I'm master of this game.' Looking very pleased with himself, he went over and stared down at Frodo, who was shaking with the memory of the carol. 'What happened to him?'  
  
'Those Nazgul things showed up, you crazy old freak! Pick him up, we need to get him some help!' Sam was near panic. As they were preparing to leave, Merry and Pippin woke up. Damn! Sam thought. Now they're going to want to come too!  
  
'Is he gooingg tuo diae?' Pippin asked, hopefully.  
  
'NO, NOW SHUT UP!' Sam snapped, and they were off once more.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~ Wow! I have readers!  
  
Arby, if you think this is 'one of the best humour things around at the moment' you should read Bookworm2000 'the Parody of the RING'- now that is great humour! But you're right, Frodo probably isn't having the greatest time.  
  
Bookworm, I think you should just be glad you don't have a crush on Elijah Wood, otherwise I'm thinking Sam would be much less willing to let you leave your computer.  
  
FrodoBaggins87, yes, Sam's obsession is very clean. I have a bit of an issue with slash-like things, mainly because so many people really like the coupling of Legolas and Aragorn, which is just wrong. However, Frodo's sanity may only be a temporary thing, which, considering the company he will be forced to keep, is not all that surprising.  
  
Hobbit13, Wow, you liked the prologue? I thought that was the weakest part- didn't think anyone would like it to terribly much. I'm glad you found it amusing.  
  
I hope you all liked this chapter, I know I had a lot of fun writing it, knowing that people were actually enjoying the story. 


	8. Chapter Eight The Elves

They hadn't gone far before Merry and Pippin started to complain that they were tired, and hungry, and cold. STRIDER, too, was starting to look a little exhausted. Frodo was still shaking, clearly traumatized by whatever the Nazgul had done to him.  
  
Despite himself, Sam decided that it really was time to rest. STRIDER put Frodo down, and stood standing over him. 'You know. I think I read somewhere that there's a plant to help cure this sort of condition. but I can't remember what the plant it- or even what to do with it if I did.'  
  
'Well, that's helpful!' Sam snapped. 'Go wander the forest in the hopes that you find it.' His master was in trouble, and it was his job to protect him, his OWN.  
  
STRIDER went off happily, murmuring something about 'Goody! A scavenger hunt!' while Sam made himself comfortable on a near by rock.  
  
The Ranger had been wandering around, quite aimlessly, for sometime before a figure on a great stallion rode up to him. 'Estel, thank the Valar I found you!' Came the voice of Arwen from beneath the hood of her cloak.  
  
'Ahhhh! Don't sneak up on me like that! You know I scare easily!' STRIDER, who was also, obviously, Estel, complained.  
  
'I know, but if anyone comes at you head on, they pass out before they can get within twenty meters. Seriously, Estel, it's time you took a bath.'  
  
'I don't wanna!'  
  
'We'll see about that. Anyway, where is the halfling? I have strict instructions to get him to Rivendell.'  
  
'Halfling? Are they the little kids I'm travelling with? Will Elrond hurt them? I hope not, they're my friends.'  
  
Arwen sighed deeply. 'No, they will not be hurt. Galadriel has seen that one of them has been exposed to the out-of-season carols of the Nazgul, and he must be healed quickly, before the songs take permanent root within his mind and he becomes a Wreath, like them.'  
  
'Oh, okay. Right this way.' STRIDER then burst out into song; 'We're following the leader, the leader, the leader, we're following the leader, wherever he may go.'  
  
As soon as Arwen spotted the four hobbits, she sighed in relief and promptly knocked the ranger to the earth, unconscious. Merry and Pippin ran over to her shouting 'You're our hero!'  
  
'Right.' Arwen replied, ignoring them as best she could. 'Where's the injured one?'  
  
Sam answered as Merry and Pippin decided to go pack up camp, ignoring the elf's question. 'He needs help, but I warn you, if you hurt him.' The dangerous gleam that had lit up his eyes finished the sentence for him.  
  
'Don't worry. I'm here to heal him, though I'm not sure if I'll be able too.'  
  
'Hey, you seem kind-of familiar.' STRIDER said, blearily waking from his coma.  
  
'Damn, didn't hit him hard enough. ' The elf muttered, pulling a bunch of plants and other items from her cloak.  
  
'Ahhhh!' STRIDER suddenly screamed. 'It's Glorfindal in disguise! HIDE!!!!'  
  
'DAMN!' the elf said again. 'Here I thought he was too stupid to figure it out.' "Arwen" stood and pulled off the dark wig that covered his much shorter golden hair.  
  
'Why were you dressed as a chick?' Pippin asked, bluntly.  
  
'It was the only way I could work my way out here. Elrond's been trying to get rid of his daughter for some time- gives her all the really cool missions. I wanted one for once!'  
  
There was silence as everyone, including the twitching Frodo, stared at him. 'What? Don't I deserve to have some fun?'  
  
Nobody answered, but Arwen/Glorfindal could have sworn he heard Estel mutter something about being glad he'd found out before it was too late, making the elf shudder and turn back to the injured Hobbit.  
  
Wreath (and yes, I mean Wreath, not Wraith) hums echoed through the night. The distant sounds of 'Eru, Bless Yea Marry Gentlemen' could be heard in the distance.  
  
'We must move. I will take the halfling to Rivendell, you must follow.'  
  
'NO, HE'S MY MASTER, MINE, MY OWN!!!!' Sam screeched.  
  
Glorfindal ignored the angry Hobbit and picked Frodo up, placing him on the horse and mounting up behind him.  
  
'Hey! I said he's MINE!!' Sam yelled, running after the horse as Glorfy talked him into action. He followed the creature that was attempting to take his master away all the way to Rivendell.  
  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Frodo passed out about halfway to the elven city, and woke up to see Gandalf staring down at him. 'What do you want?' He asked, groggily. 'Why'd you send that horrible Ranger to find us?'  
  
'STRIDER? Oh, he's not so bad.' Gandalf smiled fondly at the thought of the little boy he knew as Estel.  
  
'Yeah, easy for you to say.' Frodo muttered. 'Was there some reason you didn't come yourself?'  
  
'Yes, as a matter of fact.' Gandalf smiled again, drifting off into memory.  
  
'Gandalf?'  
  
'Oh, right. Okay, no there wasn't a really good reason. My friend, the Traitor that is Sarumon, wanted me to stay for tea, so I did. It really is a long way to Isengaurd you know, and I simply did not get back in time to guide you from The Prancing Pony to Rivendell.'  
  
The conversation was interrupted as Sam burst in, looking quite winded. 'Sam, what did you do?' Frodo asked, not sure he really wanted to know.  
  
'Oh, I just put that nasty elf in his place. Taking you away like that, THE NERVE!'  
  
Gandalf stood and went to go see how bad a state Glorfindal was in (don't worry though, Glorfy's an elf and therefor heals twice as fast as anybody else. None the less, when the Hobbits next saw him, he was in a complete body cast and smelled disturbingly like garbage.) Which is why he was not there when Bilbo crept into the room and yelled 'BOO' at Frodo, causing the younger Hobbit to have a minor heart attack and pass out again.  
  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
  
Eladan and Elrohir watched happily as their old friend Estel sauntered through the gates of Rivendell. On any other day, he would have had problems getting in, but the twins had talked to the guards and had promised that he would be clean within an hour of entering the city.  
  
Smiling at each other in that way only twins can truly manage to smile, they walked over to their friend, arranging themselves so Estel stood between them. Then, without warning, they took hold of his arms and dragged him off to the nearest bathhouse.  
  
STRIDER'S screams echoed through all of Rivendell as the twins scrubbed every single grain of dirt out of his hair- but it was nothing compared to the screams that would later sound when it was discovered who's conditioner they'd used.  
  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
  
Again, Bookworm2000, thank you so much for the review, it really is encouraging to know that someone, at least, is enjoying the story. That last bit was just for you, *s* I hope you liked it! 


	9. Chapter Nine The Council

Frodo recovered quickly from his ordeal, though now, every time he heard the word 'Christmas' he dropped to the floor and curled up in a ball, hands over his head, muttering incomprehensible words. Merry and Pippin both found this rather amusing, and liked to see how many times they could get away with it before Sam started yelling at them.

In the meantime, Gandalf was having an ongoing argument with Elrond; the wizard wanted to have Frodo take the ring to Mt. Doom, the elf wanted to do it himself and claim all the glory he so justly deserves.

'Oh, come _on_ Gandalf, hardly anybody even knows I fought in the last alliance! I will die and nobody will remember my name!'

'Don't be foolish Elrond, you're an elf; you can't die.'

'But… fine then. I will 'fade' and nobody will even notice I'm gone! Nobody but that dratted daughter of mine and that senile bastard, Bilbo.'

'You cannot take the ring! You must stay here and guard your home!'

'I don't want to! The last time I did that, my wife ended up leaving me! I _refuse_ to give people the chance to call me a lazy coward again! Damn that Sauron, what does he have to offer that I don't?'

'He used to be a man.' Gandalf said simply.

'Man? There is no strength left in the world of men.' Elrond snapped back, his voice full of bitterness.

'That's not what you said the last time you saw Eowyn…'

'Shut up! I was there, Gandalf, I was there the day the strength of men died…'

__

Isiladur is standing over the fires of Mt. Doom, the ring in his hand. Elrond is not far behind him, yelling for the man to toss the gold into the fire. 'No.' Isiladur replies after a few moments of examining it. 'This thing is pure gold, I'm going to pawn it, see how much someone will pay for the ring that almost destroyed the world! Mwahahaha!'

'The rest, of course, is history.' Elrond muttered. 'After he sold the One Ring for a measly three strips of gold-pressed-latinum to that hobbit-like creature Deagol, who was later murdered by his cousin because he decided he would give the guy a blade of grass for his birthday instead, he died of obsession-induced cancer.'

'What does that have to do with anything?' Gandalf demanded.

'I don't know, it was just an interesting story. Now, I suppose we had best have a council so people can tell you that I should be the one to take the ring, hey? We'll call it: _The Council in Which We Select Elrond to Take the Ring to Mordor._'

'How about just: _The Council of Elrond_?' Gandalf suggested. Reluctantly, the elf agreed.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Gathered in the middle of the main garden, the 'secret' council of Elrond slowly gathered. Of all the attendees, the Dwarfs seemed to be the most out of place. One of them was especially upset. Of course, little of this is noticed because there is also another attendee, who has the effect of attracting all the attention to him. Not that he does this on purpose, but he does do it, because of this, very few heard Elrond's introduction. The only thing that managed to pull people's minds back to the council was when Frodo reluctantly placed a shiny gold ring onto a pedestal.

For dramatic effect, Legolas threw his voice and whispered 'The _doom _of _man_.' into the air. To anybody who heard, it sounded as though the ring had spoken. The Prince of Mirkwood smiled at the mystified and frightened reactions.

Boromir, upset that the ring was out-staging him, muttered 'So 'tis true!' He then proceeded to provide a quiet commentary. 'The council is aghast, who will take this ring? What shall be done with it? The questions may never be answered…' He briefly thought of telling the council of the dream he'd had every night since passing through Rohan, but somehow he didn't think that having a Shield-Maiden come to see him in the middle of the night was all that important. Even if she was the King's niece.

'It cannot be wielded.' Estel said suddenly, interrupting the rather annoying commentary Boromir had been providing.

Legolas had been looking bemusedly at the dwarfs' hair. The youngest of them suddenly lost it. 'WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? IT'S NOT MY FAULT I HAVE FRIZZY HAIR, SOMEBODY-' He sent an angry look to where Elrohir and Eladan were sitting, trying to look innocent '-USED THE LAST OF-' His father cut him off, smacking him angrily on the head.

'Pay no attention to Gimli, he had a nasty scare on our way in and has yet to fully recover himself.' It was a little embarrassing saying that his son had been frightened, but it was far more so to mention that he used conditioner.

Legolas sat back, looking quite pleased with himself. Boromir had not yet stopped in his over-dramatic comments. '…a potentially nasty fight, stopped just in the nick of time…'

'The ring must be destroyed.' Elrond said, and it was suddenly obvious that he'd just finished yet another overly-long speech that nobody had paid any attention to.

'Ahh!' Boromir suddenly interrupted himself. 'No! We should send it to Gondor!'

'What good will that do?' Estel demanded, still cranky from his recent ordeal. Who would have guessed that soap would make him smell so… _clean_? He shuddered at the memory.

'No no nonononononono! I am going to take it to Mordor for you all!' Elrond said, but his words were drowned out as Gimli decided to make up for his earlier blunder by attempting to chop the ring in two, which only resulted in the smashing of his axe and the shattering of the stone pedestal on which the jewelry sat. Rock flew up in the air, covering everyone with stone-dust; except for the Prince of Mirkwood, who sat calmly in his seat, untouched by even the smallest of stones.

The elves who had been hit all stood up in anger. Legolas calmly stood as well and, wordlessly, held his comrades back in case they got it in their minds to attack the dwarfs, who were all yelling angrily back at the elves, saying it was in no way Gimli's fault.

'Oh, a nasty jab at the conditioner-using dwarf! Who, I wonder, will throw the first punch?' Boromir muttered.

Frodo chose this moment to wake up from his nap, and immediately misinterpreted the reason for the argument. Without hesitating, he stood. 'I will take it!' He yelled, but the only person to hear was the captain of Gondor, who tirelessly incorporated it into his on-going account.

'_I will take it!!!!!_' He said louder. Gandalf sighed and turned to face the hobbit.

'Well, it's about time! Here I was thinking we were going to have to pry the elves and dwarfs off of one another, really you need to get a better sence of timing.'

Elrond was now jumping up and down on his chair, shouting about how _he _was supposed to take it, but nobody noticed. Slowly, he stopped. There might be a way he could turn this to his advantage…

'Does that mean you're coming too? You better be, after you put me through that horrible Chris…' he shuddered and looked at Gandalf pointedly, hoping to get the word across without actually saying it. 'Experience.' 

'Why must he always guilt me into doing these things?' Gandalf muttered to himself before nodding slowly, reluctantly.

'I wanna go too! I need to get dirty again!' Strider announced. 

Legolas stepped forward as well and silently let them know he would come too. By now, everybody was quite certain he was a mute; that was just the way he liked things to be.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I quite enjoyed writing this chapter, we've finally reached the best half of the movie! I just hope it made a half-decent read. Oh, and as a promise to a friend, I am henceforth going to be handing out Gummie Bears to my reviewers, so do help yourself!

Bookworm ~ I think Sam might be easing off a bit on the obsession as Merry and Pippin are about to embark on a bit of a 'Let's try to kill Sam' spree. He'll be a little busy, does that make you feel any better? Glad you liked the Glorfy/Arwen thing, I just needed to have Glorifindal save the day, since he was so rudely cut out of the movie like that.


	10. Chapter Ten The Birds

Late that night, as Arwen and Aragorn were whispering sweet nothings to each other, Elrond was busy sneaking out of Rivendell. Not that it was all that difficult, in his youth, he had been quite the expert at getting out of places (hey, the twins had to have got it from somewhere!).

Once out in the open, he started on his way to Mirkwood, where he knew the one person who could help him was located…

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ 

The next morning, the fellowship gathered at the gates of Rivendell. Nobody, aside from Arwen and Bilbo, noticed the lack of attendance that was taking place on Elrond's part; neither saw fit to mention it, and even if they had, it is unlikely that anybody would have cared.

Frodo was cowering behind Sam; his uncle still creeped him out.

At last, they made their way out. Frodo, being who he was, automatically turned to the right, only to have Gandalf take hold of his shoulder and direct him in the opposite direction. Few noticed Sam come up and conk the wizard on the head for his efforts, and, as in Elrond's case, nobody would have cared too terribly much about this, either.

Gimli was stuck with the task of leading the pony, Bill. Bill was just an average pony with a bad past he was trying to forget about. There was nothing all that special about him (unless you were Sam, who had been most reluctant to let Gimli lead the horse, but had agreed when he was told that the horse had to be at the back and Frodo at the front).

'Hello Gimli.' Bill said suddenly. Gimli stopped walking, mid-stride, throwing him off balance and then into the mud. Legolas hid a silent snicker and patiently waited for the dwarf to get up.

'Did you just speak?' Gimli asked the pony.

'Of course I did!' Bill replied. Gimli wondered how this was all working, as the horse' mouth wasn't moving at all…

'Hey, this pony can _talk_!!!' 

'What are you on about, Gimli?' STRIDER asked.

'It's Bill I tell you! He's talking!'

'Right Gimli, it's all in your mind.'

__

'All in my mind? That's it! He must use telepathy!' Gimli thought suddenly. The thought that the elf who was standing near by had been throwing his voice never even entered his mind; This was probably because he thought the Prince of Mirkwood was a mute. Legolas smiled happily, but his fun was interrupted as Merry and Pippin suddenly burst out into song.

'Weeeeeee wish you a merry Christmas we wish you a merry…' and so on.

Frodo covered his ears and tried to scream loud enough to block them out. Legolas, with his sensitive elf ears flinched and only just managed not to shriek. 

Boromir, who's on-going commentary was drowned out by the song, promptly went over and knocked both hobbits unconscious. It was decided that they would take a break. They had, after all, been walking for a good number of days.

Due to the fact that, even though nothing was happening, Boromir continued to inform people what they were doing, STRIDER went over to him. 'If you don't shut up, I'll knock you out.' He said.

'I'm a captain of Gondor, you wouldn't _dare_!' Boromir replied.

'Yeah, well, _I_ get to be king of Gondor one day!' STRIDER yelled happily.

'What?' this was too much for Boromir. 'You? King? Gondor?'

'Yup! Aren't you looking forward to it?! I know I am.'

'You're… Aragorn?' 

STRIDER smiled, Frodo came over. 'How many names do you have?'

'183, 201, 051.' STRIDER said proudly. 'I could list them, if you like!' And, before any of them could stop him, he launched into the list. 'Well, STRIDER, Estel and Aragorn you know. There's also Elassar, Elf-Stone, Arialliano, SuperMan, Hulk, ManWhoPlaysWithPlasticSwords- though I don't know where that one came from. Anduil isn't plastic…' he held out the cocktail-sword. 'Anyway, there's also…' Frodo tuned out. He was sorry he'd brought it up. 

Merry Pippin and Boromir had now woken up, and the last was now teaching the other two how to fight. It was a request they'd made, part of their let's-think-up-interesting-ways-to-kill-Frodo game. Legolas was listening half-heartedly to a conversation between Gandalf and Gimli about the mines of Moria. When Sam heard the topic, he rushed over and put in his 2,000 cents. Apparently, Sam had always wanted to see dwarfs. Gimli took immediate offence, saying that _he_ was a dwarf. 

'Yes, but you use conditioner! Ha ha ha ha ha ha hahahahaha!' Sam guffawed. Scowling, Gimli went off to sit on a rock.

Something on the horizon caught Legolas' eyes, and he went over to get a better look. A massed cloud of blue somethings was heading towards them. Bill suddenly decided to tell Gimli that there were blue birds coming at them.

When Gimli mentioned this to Gandalf, the wizard got really upset and ordered them all to hide. Apparently, he'd used to have a pet blue-bird as a child but had accidentally forgotten to feed it. Ever since, he had had an insane fear that the bird was going to be re-incarnated and come to extract it's revenge. 

Not that he shared this with the rest of the fellowship.

At last, the birds had passed, and Gandalf suddenly decided they needed to take the mountain pass instead. As soon as STRIDER had recovered from the beating Sam had given him for hiding with Frodo, they were off again.

Gimli had been trying to convince the others that Bill really _could_ talk when Frodo suddenly 'slipped' and fell down a short way, tumbling through the snow that now covered the earth. 

Boromir picked the ring up. It had somehow managed to fall off of Frodo's neck, even though the chain was supposed to be short enough to _not_ fit over his head. Unfortunately, the elves who had measured the chain had neglected the fact that the majority of Frodo's head circumference is hair.

'I want the ring! Give me the pretty ring!' Aragorn cried, his voice like that of a child about to have a temper tantrum. 

'Uh, no. I think I'll just give it to Frodo…' Boromir's voice trailed off as he caught sight of Sam looking at him expectantly. 'I mean, Sam, is it all right if I give this to your master?' 

Smiling, Sam nodded.

The fellowship continued up the mountain.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Bookworm2000, don't worry, STRIDER won't have a chance to get as dirty as he was- Lothlorien will see to that, *s* 


	11. Chapter Eleven The Mine

At last, the walls of Moria came up into view. Gimli was babbling about how Dwarf doors were invisible, and Sam was looking at him with a confused look on his face. 'No they're not. I've read everything that's ever been written about dwarfs, and I didn't see one thing that said that! I did read, however, that if the location of the door is forgotten, the creator would have to ask somebody else where it is.' The hobbit said pompously.

Nobody heard the horse Gimli was leading mutter the words 'Why doesn't that surprise me.'

'What are you? Obsessed with my people?' Gimli demanded, ignoring Bill. 

'Yes.' Sam replied.

The dwarf suddenly looked rather frightened, and the subject was dropped. 

Before long, a large stone door came into view. A torch was burning on the other side, sending an orange light through the holes that had been carved into it, lighting up the letters.

'What does it say?' Gimli asked.

Sam rolled his eyes. 'Don't you know your own language? Really! It says: The doors of Dudley the Dragon, say the magic word and I'll open the doors for you!'

'What does that mean?' Pippin asked, breaking away from his conversation with Merry.

'Like you care.' Merry replied. 

Pippin shrugged, 'Good point.' and they returned to plotting against Sam! No, not Frodo. Sam had started to scare them so they decided they needed to get rid of him first.

'Hey, look Pip!' Sam had wandered dangerously close to a small lake that had formed around the door. 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?'

Pippin nodded and the two crept up behind Sam and pushed him into the water.

Spluttering, the Hobbit dragged himself to the surface. Aragorn was looking at the sopping wet figure in horror. The others guessed that the sight reminded him of his bath.

Gandalf had suddenly begun to freak out. '_You disturbed the water! You fools! What have you done?!?!?!?_' 

'Er' Merry and Pippin said in unison.

'That's what I thought!' Gandalf didn't say this aloud, but he'd also once had a pet fish

'Now, back to finding this password'

'What password?' Pippin asked.

'Like you care.' Merry muttered.

'Good point.'

And so, for the next few hours, they just sat there. Sam went to say goodbye to Bill, who it seemed he didn't want to take into the mines. Everybody was staring at him, shocked that he would let something that belonged to HIM go. 

Before he left, Bill surprised everybody by suddenly yelling out the word 'Melon', much to Gimli's satisfaction.

'HA! I _told_ you he could talk!' 

'What do you mean?' Frodo asked, befuddled. 'I didn't hear anything!'

'That's because you were sleeping.' Merry informed him. 

In a sudden, uncharacteristic stoke of thought, STRIDER glanced towards Legolas. Hadn't he heard somewhere that the elf was some sort of ventriloquist? He then went back to his normal self and not another thought crossed his mind until they reached Lothlorien. 

Even more surprising was that the doors had opened. Proud of himself, Gandalf grinned and ushered everybody inside. Glancing back, the fellowship caught sight of a single gold fish playing about on the surface of the lake. The wizard freaked out and started waving his staff around madly, yelling insanely. The shear noise caused a cave in and blocked the passage out.

Once inside, it was Frodo's turn to start freaking out. The place had obviously been abandoned for many years, but worse yet was that the inhabitants had left at _that _time of year. Wilting holy and a very, very dead, decorated tree filled the room. 

Legolas knelt before the tree and seemed to be saying a silent prayer for it before they could move on. Even Boromir had a moment of silence for the loss of the plant. 

They started forward once more. 

'The wealth of Moria is not in gold or precious gems,' Gandalf began, recovered from his encounter with the fish. (Frodo's ears pricked up at the term 'precious') 'But in Jello.'

'Jello?' Merry asked, confused.

'Yes. Bilbo used to have a shirt made out of it, and I never told him that it was worth twice as much as his tea, but I should have because he ate it.'

Pippin paled and muttered in Merry's ear; 'No he didn't.' Both hobbits snickered. 

'Hold on, I have to look at the map.' Gandalf said after a time, and he pulled a moth-eaten paper from his robes and set about trying to figure out which way you were supposed to read it.

'Hello Gimli.' Said a small rock by the dwarf's hand. 'Will you be my friend?'

Legolas chuckled as the man picked up the tiny stone and held it up on his palm, seeming to address what he apparently thought was its 'face'. 'Why, of course I will. I love rocks.' He (very wisely) didn't tell the rest of the fellowship that the stone had started talking. If they didn't believe Bill had done it

'Yay! I love big ugly guys, too, so we should make a great team!'

Frodo, in the meantime, went tentatively over to Gandalf. 'There's something down there.' He said. His voice was still a little shaky form the sight of the Christmas tree, but he was otherwise fine.

'Yes, that would be Gollum and his new best friend.' The wizard replied half-heartedly.

'Oh, who's his new best friend?'

Before Gandalf could respond, Merry and Pippin decided to take up a song. 'Frrrrosssty the snowmaaan was a jolly, happy soul! With his corn-'

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!' Frodo shrieked. 

Before anything could happen, Sam pushed both the singers down one of the passageways. It turned out to be severely slopped and the two hobbits went sliding down the tunnel.

'Darnit!' Gandalf suddenly exclaimed. 'And that's the path we have to take, too!'

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

It wasn't long before they caught up to the carolers, but neither thought it was a good idea to sing anymore.

The next stop was some tome Sam felt the need to visit. He freaked out on Gimli when the dwarf spit on the coffin. Apparently, Balin had not been high on Gimli's list of friends. 

'He stole my conditioner- TWICE!' the dwarf explained once Sam had left him alone.

Suddenly, a monotonous hum was heard from the depths below. Legolas' eyes grew very, very big and he backed up as far as he could. His ears would not be able to take the torture that was to come.

_She_ was coming.

Gimli, instinctively knowing that something was approaching, pulled out the shattered remains of his axe-handle. His father had forbidden him to get himself another until he had learned the consequences of using conditioner. STRIDER pulled out his plastic cocktail sword, Boromir his butter knife, Merry and Pippin their fake Harry Potter wands, Sam his fisherprice™ frying pan, Legolas his sling-shot. Frodo didn't have a weapon because he needed his hands free to run. Gandalf had his baton, which he'd stolen from some marching-band conductor.

All in all, it was a pretty frightening group, which is why when the squirrels showed up, they charged right at them.

It is a little known fact that squirrels are all ruled by one being, the piccolo-playing-demon-from-hell (ppdfh). If any of you have ever heard the full range of the piccolo, you'd know why Legolas, with his sensitive elf ears was afraid. 

Soon enough, ppdfh stepped boldly into the room, instrument held to her lips as she began to play. Driven mad by the sound, the squirrels attacked. Legolas was petrified with pain, Boromir distracted by the interesting material his commentary was now provided with. STRIDER found that, not being a dirty as he was, he actually had to fight. Needless to say, he didn't know how. Gandalf had gone insane at the sight of the little furry animals that reminded him so much of cats (yes, he used to have one of them, too) and Gimli was so busy trying to protect his rock that things weren't going so well for him, either. Merry and Pippin were the only ones with any sense. They'd grown up listening to this sort of music; they started to sing a merry jig that went quite well with the piccolo. 

Legolas covered his ears and screamed in horror. Everything suddenly stopped. 'Hold on, you're not a mute?' Merry asked, his song interrupted. 

The elf paid no attention and continued to sheik. ppdfh glared at him for out-shooting her instrument's pitch, then proceeded to attempt to drown him out. 

Everyone was quite deaf by the time they managed to sneak by. Legolas' screams still reverberated through the tunnels. Had Merry and Pippin not had the sense to knock ppdfh unconscious, there would have been no hope for them.

Just as they reached the bridge of Kaza-dum, an odd orange light caught their eyes. Gandalf looked frantically at those within the fellowship, and slowly turned to Merry. 'If I give you leadership, will you promise not to kill Frodo?'

The hobbit nodded happily, though it was unlikely he really understood, as his ears were still ringing from the combined power of Legolas' screams and the piccolo. 

'Good, now go.' He raised his voice. 'This enemy is beyond any of you! RUN!!!' Nobody moved, they were all trying to figure out if Gandalf had actually said something. Slowly, their minds turned to what it was he'd actually _said_. 

Finally, they understood and set off at a quick jog towards the opening.

Halfway over the bridge, Gandalf turned and watched in horror as a lit match suddenly launched itself onto the path. It was massive, a whole centimeter longer than Gandalf's nose. 

Nobody waited to see how things turned out; how could the wizard survive an attack from such a terrible foe?! They did catch a glimpse of him tripping over the matchstick and falling into the endless chasm beyond, the fire of the match following closely.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Well, this turned out to be a rather long chapter, but I hope you enjoyed it, Bookworm2000. I'm glad you're enjoying this, though I think I've now gone overboard with Gandalf's phobias And yes, Gimli is quite deluded by now, he's quite attached to that rock, *g*. 

Also, I'd like to welcome you, Espionage, to my world. Please don't let me drive you too insane. Here, I've decided to start handing out Gummie Bears to my reviewers, so do help yourself!


	12. Chapter Twelve The MIRROR

A not about the last chapter: the Piccolo is actually my favorite instrument in the entire world, the use of it has something evil was inspired by my friend, who IS, essentially the Piccolo-playing-demon-from- hell.  
  
On with the story.  
  
They emerged into the blinding light of midnight. Everyone turned at once to Legolas, who had launched once more into silence.  
  
'So, you're not a mute?' Pippin said, and it actually sounded as though he wanted to hear the answer.  
  
Unfortunately for him, Legolas didn't seem at all inclined to give him one. Gimli didn't seem to have noticed any of this, as he was busy petting his new pet rock and asking if it was okay. Lucky for him, nobody noticed.  
  
'Come on, let's go to Mordor.' STRIDER said.  
  
'Hold on.' Merry interrupted. 'Gandalf left me in charge, and I say we stop by Lothlorien first. We need a break.'  
  
'How do you even know where Lorien is?' Estel asked, angry that he didn't get to be in charge. 'I wanna be the leader!'  
  
'Too bad. Off we go, or do you want the squirrels to get us?'  
  
Shortly there after, they reached the golden wood. Gimli and Sam were looking around worriedly. Neither of them was all that fond of elves.  
  
All the way there, Pippin poked Legolas in the ribs and asked if he was mute. One can only imagine the umber of times the elf thought of taking the intruding fingers and breaking them, but he didn't. He did, however, knock the guy out for a time. Pip woke just in time to have a plastic dart shoved in his face.  
  
Legolas had his slingshot out, but they were quite outnumbered. 'The ranger smells so bad we could have shot him in a marsh. And don't get me started on the dwarf's breathing.' Said the leader of the lorien elves.  
  
'Haldir o' Lorien.' Estel said, a slight tremor to his voice. He was obviously afraid of the elf. Legolas knew why, but he wasn't in a forthcoming mood. Haldir and his brothers had a reputation that gave Elrohir and Eladan a run for their name.  
  
'So, you're not a mute?' Pippin asked, seemingly oblivious to the dart that was aimed at his head.  
  
Haldir's attention moved to his old friend, who gave him a pleading look. Sighing, he addressed Pippin. 'Why would you believe that he is not?' He asked.  
  
'Because when we were in Moria, he screamed his head off.' Pippin replied.  
  
He sent another look at the mirkwood elf, his expression bemused. Legolas only shrugged and, sighing again, Haldir came up with an excuse for his friend. 'In a time of great fear,' He began, Legolas scowled, knowing what was coming, 'he has been known to find his voice, but he's never done anything but scream like a girl.'  
  
Pippin frowned, a little upset. He had hopped that the elf had been able to speak, though he had no idea why. Nobody saw the thankful, if perhaps slightly irritated look, Legolas gave to Haldir.  
  
'You cannot go any farther. Not yet anyway.' This last part was directed towards STRIDER, among chuckles from his brothers. Aragorn's face paled, Legolas smiled evilly, and Gimli clutched at his rock and muttered about how 'they wouldn't get his conditioner this time'  
  
It was Lothlorien's turn to hear STRIDER's screams, and they reverberated through the night. At last, they were off again, Estel almost as silent as Legolas. Boromir's commentary had now become a steady drone and the Fellowship hardly noticed it. Haldir, Orophin and Rumil were not so lucky in their tolerance.  
  
Boromir was carried most of the way.  
  
The Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn greeted them as they arrived in the city.  
  
'The enemy knows that you have passed our borders. What hope you had in secrecy is lost.' Celeborn began, his voice a monotony of sound. He stopped talking, though it was obvious there was more to say. Slowly, his eyes began to glaze over and Galadriel had to nudge him into wakefulness. 'What? Where was I? Oh, right.' There was another pause and the fellowship thought he'd gone to sleep again, but then he began.  
  
'Eight there are here yet nine there were set out from Rivendell. Tell me, where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him.'  
  
'Do not mind him, he spends a lot of time talking to trees who have no sense of time and regularly fall asleep in the middle of a conversation.' Galadriel looked into the eyes of various members of the fellowship. 'He has tumbled down to darkness.' She intoned, suddenly changing her entire demeanor.  
  
Legolas glanced around, then saw no other choice. Gimli's rock began to mutter things to him. After a few moments, the dwarf repeated them. 'He was taken by both shadow and flame. A Balrog of Morgoth, for we went needlessly into the net of Moria.' The others stared at him, with this sudden spurt of courtesy. He then proceeded to mutter something in his own tongue.  
  
Sam stared. 'Gimli! That wasn't very nice!'  
  
'How do you know what I said?'  
  
'I love dwarfs, remember?'  
  
'What did he say?' Asked Pippin, honestly curious.  
  
'Nothing that I will repeat in the presence of our hosts.' Sam replied.  
  
At last, they were able to rest.  
  
In the distance, songs could be heard. 'What is that?' Sam asked.  
  
'A lament for Gandalf, I would assume.' Boromir replied.  
  
'What do they say about him?' Pippin asked.  
  
'Like you care.' Merry replied.  
  
'Good point.'  
  
'I think they're talking about his orange hair. I don't recall that shade.' STRIDER muttered.  
  
'Fascinating.' Gimli said sarcastically.  
  
The fellowship slept. All but Frodo, who went off to look into Galadriel's mirror and admire his reflection, and Legolas, who was having a little chat with Haldir.  
  
'So why do you want them to think you're mute?' The elf asked.  
  
'Because, it's funny. The dwarf thinks that this rock is actually talking to him, and he responds! Oh, it's hilarious!'  
  
'Riiighttt. Okay, it seems you haven't changed.'  
  
'Nor have you, my friend. Thank you for cleaning STRIDER up, a few more days like that and we'd all be passing out.'  
  
'It wasn't as bad as we thought it would be, I take it Elrohir and Eladan.?'  
  
'Yes, it was amusing. They used Gimli's conditioner.'  
  
'Isn't that the dwarf?'  
  
'Yup.' Legolas grinned. He then launched into a full account of their journey thus far.  
  
'So, basically, you're the only one who really knows how to defend himself?'  
  
'Er. pretty much.'  
  
'And all you've had is that slingshot?'  
  
'Sounds right.'  
  
'Nice try, I'm not that stupid.'  
  
'Never could fool you, could I? Oh well. I was, however, telling the truth when I said that Frodo and myself are the only truly sane ones.'  
  
'Yeah, you're sane all right. That's the first term that comes to mind when I think of you.' Legolas completely missed the sarcasm.  
  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
  
'Do you like my MIRROR?' Galadriel asked.  
  
'Uh oh, why do I have the feeling this is another of those stupid acronyms?' Frodo muttered.  
  
'It stands for My Image Reflected, Rise or Rot.'  
  
'Why?'  
  
Galadriel shrugged. 'I don't know, because those were the only words we could come up with at the time, and lots of people aren't really that thrilled with their reflecting, and some people are so happy with it that they become unbearable to live with for the rest of their stay. Do you want to look into it?'  
  
'Um, sure. Why not?'  
  
He looked in, and was unbearable to live with for the rest of their (short) stay.  
  
A few days later, Galadriel got sick of the hobbit, and sent them off again, in boats that actually stayed afloat on the river. Each member had been given a gift, Legolas now had a state-of-the-art plastic dart gun, and Aragorn had a nice little sheath that was specifically made for his cocktail sword. Sam carried a box of dead leaves, Merry and Pippin a guide on 'how to kill your cousin without setting his crazy gardener on you' and Frodo had a brand-new water bottle. Boromir was given a rather odd gift, and nobody could quite figure out what it was for. He seemed to know, however, so that was all that mattered. Gimli had a hair-elastic that had once tied back Galadriel's hair. He put it in his beard and proclaimed that 'it was a sign of their love'- the others all did their best not to puke.  
  
'Well, at least I didn't let Legolas look into it.' The Lady of light muttered as she watched them drift away. At her side, Celeborn nodded.  
  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
  
Bookworm2000, Thank you so much for all the reviews, They are great encouragement to continue to write this fic. Sorry this chapter was so lame, but I'm finding it hard to write humor at the moment because I keep watching certain episodes of stargate sg-1 in which the only good character dies. I'll try to make the next chapter better.  
  
Which brings me to my second point. Boromir: dead, alive, insane, alopped, you choose. Personally, I don't want him dead, but then I'll be faced with having to work him into the rest of the story. Which, really, wouldn't be all that difficult. Anyway, opinions are most welcome. 


	13. Chapter Thirteen The Breakup

It's taken me a while, but I've come up with the perfect fate for Boromir. Thanks to Bookworm2000 and Erestor (the later doesn't really know about their accidental role in inspiring me). This chapter is dedicated to both of you.  
  
'Hey Gimli,' asked the 'rock' from where it sat beside him in the boat he shared with Legolas.  
  
'What is it Rocky?'  
  
'Rocky?'  
  
'Yes, do you like your name?'  
  
'Uh. anyway, what was it you said to Galadriel and Celeborn?'  
  
'I told them that I spit on their grave.' The dwarf replied quietly. 'But now I realize that I should have directed the comment at Celeborn alone.'  
  
'Oh. I see.'  
  
'Merry, I'm hungry. Boromir, I'm hungry.'  
  
'We know.'  
  
'Right. Okay um. I'm hungry.'  
  
'There was only so much more the travelers could take.' Boromir muttered.  
  
'You can say that again! If you don't quit that commentary, you're going to find yourself in the bottom of the river. Oh, and Pippin? That goes for you too.'  
  
Both shut up, for a time.  
  
After a while, the never-ending trees opened up onto a small clearing where, on either side of the river were two large totem poles, defaced with graffiti as they were. None-the-less, they were still an interesting sight.  
  
'What is that?' Pippin asked.  
  
'Like you care!' Merry replied, his patience on a short string.  
  
'I do! I honestly do this time!'  
  
'Shut up, it's the Argonath.' Boromir said, upset that he wasn't allowed to continue his commentary. This was such a dramatic moment, too.  
  
Shortly after, they pulled up on the shore. Frodo hurried off, hoping to get a few moments to himself without having Sam clinging to him or Merry and Pippin shouting Christmas carols in his ear.  
  
Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas, of course, didn't notice. Gimli was engaged in a conversation with 'Rocky', and Aragorn was polishing his cocktail sword and sulking because he was clean (Frodo and Sam had 'accidentally' capsized their boat a while back). Sam had gone to sleep, and amazingly enough didn't wake up when HIS master disappeared. Merry and Pippin were reading their new book.  
  
Boromir, on the other hand, did notice, and he went off to see what the problem was. Besides, they needed more firewood.  
  
'None of us should wander alone.' He said upon finding the hobbit.  
  
'Why? Are you scared of being alone?' Frodo countered.  
  
'Uh. "no", why do you ask?'  
  
Frodo thought about this a moment, then shrugged and started to edge away.  
  
'Why do you recoil? I am no thief!'  
  
'I never said you were! You know, I bet you want the ring.'  
  
'Why would I want that it's all ugly and evil and-' Frodo held up the chain on which he carried the ring. '-And shiny. oo, perty. I like the glittery gold-y band.' A rock came out of no where and hit the man on the head, knocking him unconscious.  
  
'That's MY master you're talking too!' Sam yelled from the shore. Frodo ran, only to fine that the trees were now crawling with the evil chipmunks of doom, the only thing of which Frodo was more afraid of than Sam.  
  
In the chaos, the ring bearer managed to climb into a boat and start to row away, but it was not to be. Sam soon caught up to him, and forced his way into the boat with his master. They headed on towards what they hoped to be Mordor.  
  
In the meantime, Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli were desperately trying to fend off the attacking rodents.  
  
Merry and Pippin were making friends with them, as pg. 23 of 'How to Kill Your Cousin Without Setting His Crazy Gardener On You' suggested they do. Besides, if all else failed, Merry was determined to end Pippin's insatiable hunger. If that meant eating a chipmunk-stew, then so be it.  
  
Boromir woke just in time to see the two younger hobbits making off with hoards of little furry animals. 'Good thing Gandalf's not here.' He muttered, only to have Aragorn come up and step on his hand. 'OW!'  
  
'Sorry, don't put your fingers under my feet and it won't happen again.' He was happier than he had been; the chipmunks had messed up his hair enough that he looked somewhat dirty, even if he didn't smell too bad. Yet.  
  
'Oy, Gimli, let's go after Frodo and Sam.' Rocky began, but then seemed to change his mind. 'On second thought, Merry and Pippin are probably the safer bet.'  
  
'Right.' The dwarf replied. 'Aragorn! Don't you think we need to go after our brave leader Merry?'  
  
'Um. oh, right. Let's go then. Boromir, are you alright?' The gondorian was staring at the river.  
  
'It's so shiny. not golden, but still perdy.'  
  
'Uh, right. Come on.'  
  
And so they set off after Merry and Pippin.  
  
End of 'The Company of the Band' Up next, 'A Couple of Castles', which will continue in this fic. I want to keep everything together.  
  
Bookworm2000 ~ My favourite reviewer, *smile* Thank you so much for that little tid-bit of information, it's been bugging me for a really, really long time. And yes, they still think he's mute; I put that in just for you. The Acronym was for Espionage. I was quite happy with M&P's gift too; it'll come in useful to them. Well, it would if Sam hadn't just dragged Frodo off. Oh, and you're welcome for the review!  
  
Arwen, I will try to answer all your questions. Frodo is afraid of Bilbo because for 33 years he lived with his uncle's annoying habit of jumping out at him and yelling 'you're looking for it, I know you want it!' The wraiths are white and shiny because their not really wraiths, their wreaths, that is, Christmas. Merry and Pippin want Frodo dead for no really reason other than it's amusing to write. The comment about Sam breaking Rosie's heart was just there because it's something a lot of people say concerning young women. Bilbo is afraid of his old travelling friends because he doesn't want to go on another adventure with them. Frodo was hiding from Gandalf because he crashed the wizard's cart and was afraid of what was going to happen to him. No, I'm not picking on the hobbits. Not only, anyway. STRIDER gets the worst treatment. I'm assuming that, providing you kept reading, you understood why Gandalf didn't want to be around Sam. There, does that help? 


	14. Chapter Fourteen The Guide

~ I know, it's been a while but I had writers block, something TTT extended. ed. seems to have fixed, for now anyway. Poor Faramir! Okay, on with the story. Oh, don't blame me for Gollum/Smeagol. My sister got herself invoved in messing with his character ~  
  
'Frodo, Frodo!' Sam yelled, forcing his master to stop. 'Now don't you be getting too far ahead, or I might have to put a leash on you!'  
  
Frodo, not suprisingly, took a step away. 'I don't think so! You stay away from me!' He broke into a sprint, only to trip on a rock and fall flat on his face.  
  
'Mr. Frodo! Are you alright?!' Shrieked Sam.  
  
'I will be once you let me get up.'  
  
Sam oblidged and went over to the offending pebble. 'Now, that's MY mr. Frodo you tripped, and I'll have none of that!' He took his frying pan and wacked the poor little rock until it crumbled to pieces, not fully realizing how much danger he'd be in had Gimli been around.  
  
For some reason, that was the last time Frodo tripped until they left Emyn Muil, but nobody thought to thank Sam for this lack of injury. The gardner, on the other hand, suddenly had plenty of trouble moving about.  
  
One night, while they were sleeping, an odd growling noise. It went a little like this: 'My prrrresious, my darrrrling, my loverrrrrly rrrround baby...'  
  
Sam suddenly jumped up and grabbed the intruding being, pulling him down to earth. 'What do you want with my master!'  
  
'Meow.'  
  
Frodo raised a tired yet curious eyebrow. 'Meow?'  
  
The creature nodded eagerly and re-created the noise. Without warrning, he suddenly freed himself from Sam's grip and pounced on his somewhat over-large belly, proceading to lick the hobbit's face like any dog would do.  
  
'Gerrof!' The animal did so, allowing Sam to look at it speculatively. 'It's a Kiggy!'  
  
'A Kiggy?' Frodo asked.  
  
'Half doggy half kitty!'  
  
'Uh, Sam? That's Gollum.'  
  
'Oh. Gollum is a Kiggy?'  
  
Frodo couldn't help but wonder just how hard Sam had hit his head when Gollum had attacked him. 'No, he's a tortured soul who really wants the ring.'  
  
'Prrrresious?'  
  
Sam looked somewhat upset. 'Oh. Can I put him on a leash?!'  
  
Sighing, Frodo consented.  
  
Loud, hissing yelps echoed through the mountains. 'Frodo, I think I should take the leash off of him.'  
  
'What will that accomplish? He's screaming because you won't let him walk! Jeez, just put him down already!'  
  
'But he's MY Kiggy! Mine! My Own!'  
  
'NNNNoooooooooooooo!' Gollum yelled at this.  
  
'YES!' Sam shot back.  
  
'If we let you walk,' Frodo said, ignoring Sam's pathetic wimpers. 'Will you lead us to Mordor's black gate?'  
  
The creature nodded eagerly, desperate for Sam to let him go.  
  
'There you go Sam, now he can be YOUR guide.'  
  
'Umm... okay!'  
  
And so it was that a very relived Gollum took on the task of leading them through the rock, sniffing the earth like a bloodhound and occasionally howling like a wolf. Frodo knew better than to comment on the thing's strange behavior to Sam, lest his gardener take offence.  
  
*  
  
Bookworm, I hadn't actually thought of having Rocky be the rock Sam threw, but it is an interesting idea... As for the Argonath, I decided I wanted to do something different, that I hadn't read yet (and I've read a lot of parodies) so that was the only thing I could come up with. And yes, I have talked to my walls at times... *looks around* I mean, no I don't...... Yeah, Aragorn's gonna be REALLY happy after Helm's Deep... Oo, I just thought of a great idea for that chapter, but I won't spoil it. 


	15. Chaper Fifteen The Riders

They ran. Aragorn began to seriously stink again. The only one of them that didn't seem to be getting tired was Rocky, who was making fun of Gimli for falling behind the other three.  
  
'If... you... don't... shut up... I... am... going... to throw you... away.' He huffed at his pet.  
  
But, of course, the rock didn't seem to take this threat all that seriously. He babbled on.  
  
Boromir triped and fell and gazed at a blade of dead, yellow grass in wonder. 'It's gold... gold like the ring...' Gingerly, he reached out and plucked the blade out of the earth, then cradled it in his hand.  
  
'Oh, for Eru's sake!' Aragorn yelled and kicked it from Boromir's grasp.  
  
'NOOOOOOOO! What have you done?!' the Gondorian scrambled about on the ground, searching for the stupid little thing.  
  
Until, that is, Legolas came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder.  
  
'What?' Boromir was temporarily distracted from his search. The elf pointed out the pair of golden wristgaurds the man had straped to his arms. The blade of grass was forgotten in favor of something that was actually gold.  
  
'Can we just leave him here?' Aragorn asked.  
  
Gimli caught up to them at this moment. 'What? Leave Rocky? NEVER!'  
  
Even Boromir gave him a quizzical look, before colapsing onto the ground and catching sight of his hair (which was closer to gold than the grass was but still far from it).  
  
'Perrrrdy...' He muttered. Legolas backed away, praying his friend didn't notice who's hair was REALLY gold in that group.  
  
Without warning, Boromir jumped up from the ground. 'EARTHQUAKE!' he yelled and started running around in circles.  
  
'What an idiot.' Rocky muttered. Gimli agreed.   
  
Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli all shook their heads then ducked behind some rocks, which just happened to be nearby, and waited to see if Boromir dropped dead.  
  
A heard of mounted horses came rushing towards the insane little man, but, in seeing him, they swerved and gave him a wide birth, apparently not wanting to get too close in case his insanity was contageous.  
  
'Riders of Rohan!' Aragorn suddenly yelled, stepping out from the rocks.  
  
Again, the riders swerved to avoid him, though this time it was likely to stay away from the smell than anything else.  
  
Gimli was the next person to step out into the open, and this time, the riders surrounded him and shoved spears towards his face.  
  
'Ahhhhh! Rocky! Help me!' And he held the rock up in front of his eyes in the hopes that this would save him.  
  
To the surprise of Aragorn and Legolas (Boromir was still running around in circles) the riders backed away, wondering if this was the same insanity that had afflicted the crazy man behind them.  
  
'Okay, what the hell is this? A circus?' Asked one of the riders.  
  
'No! Of course not!' Aragorn said. The riders backed away even further as he approached. 'We're hunting the ECOD!'  
  
'Really? Good, then you can leave. We killed them all and ate them.'  
  
'All of the ECOD?'  
  
'Yes.'  
  
'The Evil Chipmunks of Doom?'  
  
'YES!'  
  
'Are you sure?'  
  
One of the riders braved the smell STRIDER and shoved a spear in his face. 'Ask another question and die.'  
  
'Okay. I got it.'  
  
'What about a pair of hobbits? Did you kill them too?'  
  
'No, they went into Fangorn Forest. I think maybe a few of their friends escaped too, but we didn't want to go looking for them. Fangorn is... well, it's one hell of a scary place!'  
  
'Drat it! Now we have to go see if their still alive, don't we?' Aragorn complined.  
  
'Nope, now you get to die. It'd illegal to enter Rohan without permission of the King.'  
  
'How do we get that?'  
  
'From Grima Wormetounge, or Saruman- either of which would kill you on sight so...' he stated to laugh insanely. 'I guess... you DON'T!'  
  
All this time, Legolas had been moving about the crowd and giving the riders the 'Vulcan Neck Pinch' which knocked a person unconsious for hours. At this point, he reached the man who had been doing all the talking and caused his laughter to be cut off mid-chuckle.  
  
'That was creepy.' Aragorn muttered.  
  
'Yeah, let's go.' Boromir said, suddenly done with his 'earthquake' scare.  
  
`  
  
Bookworm ~ You lost your mind too? Yay! I'm not alone! Sorry I haven't been updating, I had a hit of writer's block. 


	16. Chapter Sixteen The Campfire

I appologize in advance for Treebeard I... ran out of ideas and this was all I could think of...  
  
`  
  
Merry and Pippin were not very happy Hobbits. Frodo had escaped and those weird man on horses with the manical laughter had eaten all their little rodent friends. Pippin, of course, was still hungry, and he reminded Merry of this fact... well, he didn't really stop.  
  
'Mery, I'm hungry.'  
  
'I know.'  
  
'No, I'm really, really hungry!'  
  
'Me's'a too.'  
  
The hobbits sprang around to see who had said this, but saw nothing but trees, trees and, yes, more trees.  
  
One of the trees was moving.  
  
'AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' Merry and Pippin both yelled and tried to run away, but they tripped over each other and landed in a heap.  
  
'Come,' the tree said. 'Let's me's be'a feeding you.' And, with this, he picked them up and started walking off, deeper into the forest.  
  
Suddenly, a bright white light shone on the three of them, and the tree stopped walking.  
  
'Sarumon!' He yelled and very nearly dropped the two hobbits he was carrying.  
  
`  
  
Aragorn, Legolas and Boromir were running again, running from the insane riders of, apparantly, Rohan- even though Gimli had assured them all that the Vulcan-neck pinch would knock somebody out for hours. (Rocky seemed to know an awful lot about it.)  
  
Suddenly, they reached a big pile of ash around which burnt sticks had been discarded, the charred remains of food still sticking to them.  
  
'Don't they care about the enviroment?' Rocky demanded.  
  
'Apparently not.' Gimli replied.  
  
'AHH!' Boromir yelled. 'The Creepy-Insane-Horse-Guys ATE Merry and Pippin!'  
  
'No they didn't.' Aragorn snapped, scooping up handfulls of ash and sprinkling them on his hair to 'make it smell better'. 'They ate the Evil Chipmunks of Doom.'  
  
'Oh, well that's o-' he stopped, suddenly captivated by a flash of gold at the corner of his eye. Legolas had made the mistake of running by him on his way to the forest's edge. His hair had caught the sunlight and... 'Oo, pertty....' Boromir muttered, stepping towards the elf, who pulled out an arrow and knoqued it into his bow, ready to shoot the man if he came any closer.  
  
'Save the elf,' Rocky muttered desperately to Gimli.  
  
'Ah, no. This'll be amusing...'  
  
'Eep.' Legolas coughed.  
  
'I KNEW HE COULD TALK!' Yelled a voice in the trees, one that sounded oddly like Pippin.  
  
'REMEMBER WHAT HALDIR SAID?' Aragorn yelled back.  
  
'WHAT'S SO SCARY ABOUT A PICNICK SPOT?'  
  
'BOROMIR.'  
  
'OH, OKAY!'  
  
'Well, at least we know they're alive.' Gimli muttered.  
  
'Drat it!' Rocky replied. 'Can we save the elf now?' Boromir was getting awfully close to Legolas' hair.  
  
But Aragorn beet them to it. 'Oy, Boromir! Check this out!' And with that he took off his little green and silver ring and used it to get his friend's attention. 'Fetch!' And both the ring and Boromir flew off, away from the forest. 'Oops.' Aragorn said, watching the black spot that was Boromir. 'I think I needed that.'  
  
'Yes, actually, you did. But, Boromir will find it. It's getting it from him that will be the difficult part.' Aragorn turned to see a person with very, very white hair.  
  
'Gandalf...' Rocky whispered.  
  
'Nonsence, Gandalf would never have white hair...' Gimli began to argue.  
  
'Not in my younger days, no, but I have grown beyond that. I am mature-er now.'  
  
'Mature-er?' STRIDER mouthed.  
  
'Really, you all act like children. There are important things to do and all you can do is stand around roasting Chipmunks?'  
  
'We did-' Aragorn began.  
  
'Don't argue, it's imature. Come, we must go to Meduseld. Important bussiness is there.'  
  
And so they set off.  
  
`  
  
Bookworm ~ No, he's too dim to realize that it's Legolas speaking, but yes, the 'Golden hall' is going to be fun... I like Vulcan neck pinches though. I can't do them, but I have the feeling that an elf could.   
  
  
  
Eveenstar ~ The Boromir-Legolas' hair bit in this chapter was just for you, I hoped you liked it, *smile* Boromir is one of my favorite characters- its fun to write for him, hehe. As for Sam and Gollum... well, you'll just have to wait and see, won't you?   
  
Idiots get lucky all the time. Otherwise there would be none in the world, lol. Anyway, I'm glad you like my story! And, really, I have no problem with getting so many reviews at once, *s* it makes me feel loved. 


	17. Chapter Seventeen The Update

They had been riding for some time, and Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn and, yes, even Rocky were all about ready to knock Gandalf off of his pompous little pedestal he seemed to have placed himself on.  
  
'Really, Gimli, don't you know it's immature to talk to rocks. That was just SO third grade.'  
  
'Yeah, well MAYBE it's just so old that it's in again.' Aragorn said, more to argue with Gandalf than to stand up for Gimli.  
  
'Psha! Yeah, right, and the moon is made of cheese.'  
  
'Good, I'm glad you agree.' Gandalf gave Aragorn a funny look. Legolas and Gimli probably would have, but they'd wandered a little ways ahead.  
  
'Boromir's up ahead.' Rocky suddenly muttered.  
  
'Oh, good, maybe he'll know what to do with Gandalf.' Gimli replied.  
  
'Doubt it. He's hugging a building.'  
  
'WHAT?!'  
  
'I said he's hugging a building. Meduseld, I believe.'  
  
Sure enough, it wasn't long (Rocks, apparently, had better eyesight than dwarfs, though Gimli never stopped to consider the strangeness of this fact) before Gimli spotted a bright gold mansion sitting atop a small rise just ahead. 'The Golden Hall...' Gimli breathed. 'Long have I desired to lay my eyes on such a sight- an entire building made completely of gold, with windows of the purest yellow tint...'  
  
'Don't get too excited there, Gim, or the elf will make you ride with Gandalf.' Rocky was always very good at predicting things that Legolas was about to do, so the dwarf forced himself to calm down.  
  
`  
  
'Arf, Arf, Arf!' Gollum yelled into the empty air. 'We've led you out, we've led you out, Brock! Gollum want a fishy!'  
  
Frodo looked around at the strange sight that now surrounded them. The large, misty bog was quite a change from the endless rocks and boulders they'd just left behind.  
  
'You're such a good guide!' Sam cooed. 'Yes, yes you are! Here's a fishy, you good boy, you.'  
  
'Oh, give me a break,' Frodo muttered under his breath.  
  
It was some while later, as Gollum was leading them through the swamp, that Frodo's keen sence of hearing picked up on something he was desperately hoping he'd never hear again.  
  
'Angels we have heard on high, Sweetly singing 'or the plains,'  
  
'AHHHHHHHHHHHhh' Frodo yelled, and tried to hide, but the memories of his ordeal on weathertop were pounding through his mind. His ears felt like they were going to explode.  
  
'And the mountains in reply,'  
  
'Wreaths!' Gollum yelled, abandoning all strange animal personalities. 'Wreaths on Wings!'  
  
'I think it's a partrige...' Sam muttered before he noticed Frodo cowering among the swamp grass.  
  
'Glooooooooooooo, oooooo, oooooooo, ooooooooo, ria,'  
  
'They want the christmas ring...' Gollum muttered.  
  
'No, Frodo, don't let them take it!' Sam urged.  
  
'De, ea, eao.'  
  
And the singing slowly drifted farther and farther away.  
  
'Wow, that was close.' Sam commented.  
  
`  
  
So, the white light hadn't really been Sarumon, but something much, much worse. Merry and Pippin had been very nearly scared for life as Gandalf had given them speach after speach about how nice it was for him to finally be 'mature-er'.   
  
Now, free of his obsessive parenting, the two Hobbits were chowing down on some strange sort of ale Treebeard had given them.  
  
It was making them taller, and they were very happy about it.  
  
`  
  
Bookwoorm ~ yeah, I love Oxymorons- like that poem, have you heard it? One bright day in the middle of the night... yeah, anyway, hope you liked the update!  
  
Evenstar ~ Sorry I didn't update for so long, been rather busy lately. Glad you liked the hair bit.   
  
I'll try to get another chapter up by next Saterday- and if I don't then I will... I don't know, but I'll think of a really horrible punishment for myself, okay? 


End file.
